About a week ago, I wrote up a draft for another post–which I may or may not publish, I don’t know. But today, I had to write this post.
Today is my graduation from high school.
Today is the day I have been waiting for since I can remember; the day where I will walk across the stage in my cap and gown, with my cords, my sash, and my English pin.
I will wait until it’s my turn to cross the stage and my mind will race and I will think, “Please don’t trip. Please don’t trip.”
At the end of it all, my classmates and I will move our tassels from one side to the other and officially have graduated. My friends and I will laugh, at least one will cry, and we will leave the doors of the arena feeling a sense of excitement and hope.
“The whole world is at your feet,” the adults will say.
If you’d have asked me that a week ago, I’d have reverberated everything I wrote in my unpublished blog post.
I don’t know if the whole world is at my feet.
I don’t know what’s waiting for me, but I know I’m going to fight for it.
I wonder if I will feel different when I wake up tomorrow.
I wonder if I will peer in the mirror and see myself differently.
I wonder if I will think about all the hard work and effort I have put in and if it has truly meant anything.
That’s what I think about most. As we enter the “real world,” what really matters?
My life is not going as I had expected, even in its early stages. Of everything I had planned for and expected to happen, the opposite has occurred.
“I know that the irony strikes with the force of a cartoon anvil, now.”
The truly mad part of it all is the fact that I am more excited than I am nervous for what lies ahead. I don’t know what’s going to happen, as my life has once more been put into a blender and I have no clue which way is up or down, but I have a gut feeling that something good is about to happen.
That’s the beauty of believing in dreams, no matter how insane everybody tries to tell you they are.
My entire life (from being seven years old), I have wanted to be a filmmaker. I have been told thousands of times that I am crazy and that it’s never going to happen, or that it’s not a real career and I’m going to end up homeless or something.
But as I hear these words of doubt, I think to myself, “These are the people who didn’t have the guts to follow their dreams. They were stuck in jobs they hated and didn’t want to go to. They took the safe-route.”
Today, as I wake up with the thought of, “I’m graduating today,” I think about all the people who have told me “no” or cut me down, or told me who I should be and what I should do.
I think of them and I smile, because I am finally learning how to drown them out.
These last few weeks, I have felt like a failure because I wasn’t going to do what everybody else is doing–going to college. I was accepted to a great school and I had planned on it, but life has dealt cards that render it impossible.
I felt like a failure and like I was letting everybody down.
But as the weeks have gone by, I realize that I wasn’t put on this earth to do what everybody else was doing, or to please everyone.
I was put on this earth to live my life.
We all were.
As my classmates and I enter the world as high school graduates, I hope they remember that.
I hope they walk out of that arena with the feeling that anything they want is within reach. I hope they remember that time is limited. Time does not care if you run or you walk, if you sit watching television or write the next great novel; it’s going to go by regardless. A second, a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year, a decade, it’s all going to fly.
It’s all going to add up and at the end of it, one must wonder if it all meant anything.
As I cross the stage today, it means everything.
But tomorrow, what I create will mean more.
Who I become will mean more.
As the birth and the death of today falls on me and on my classmates, the future is unknown and my anticipation increases.
…and all of a sudden, I miss everyone.