Wait.

-Machines Are People Too (MRP2); Nickels & Dimes

 

We are deemed the “human race.” Maybe it’s because we’re all running around in circles, constantly trying to out-do each other, or get on each other’s level.

We run around and around, until we’re too dizzy to stand, too stressed to breathe, and too tired to sleep.

Sometimes, life hits, like a wall. You either bounce off of it, or you crash and burn.

After being away for a while, I’ve been working hard and working on coming to grips with what could possibly end up being my life.

So far, I like to think I’m doing okay, but then walking around in the grocery store today, I felt this panic hit me out of nowhere. If I stay in the country, under the strain of not being given any independence, am I going to be trapped in this town? This dead end town where most people have lived their whole lives?

I was looking around and not one person seemed truly happy. Just content. The first thought in my head was, “But I don’t want to be just content.”

I want so much more than that.

I want to get out of this town, to write and direct films that bring tears to people’s eyes, and make them laugh; with characters they look at and have to bite back the urge to exclaim, “OH MY GOSH! THAT’S ME!”

As the days go by, I feel stuck in a rut; trapped.

I love being at National Personal Training Institute, and between that and my work, I’m keeping my head above water–staying sane.

But it’s difficult when it feels like everyone else is moving on with their lives. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for them, but it’s hard to ignore the feeling of “being left behind,” especially when friends are too scared to tell you about all these great things, because they don’t want to upset you.

Suddenly, it feels like all of the people I got used to never existed.

I’m part of their past, but not really part of their now.

It’s also scary to imagine going back to the U.K. and attempting to make friends with people who have been “O.M.G. besties since Year Three!” It’s the same as anywhere; you may be friends with them, but there will always be that boundary between you all, because they’ve been friends forever and you’ve only just arrived on the scene.

There are days that I think, “Maybe life will be better and I’m limiting myself by thinking otherwise,” and I try to come up with a list of people and characters who are obviously happy and never come to America.

Then I think, “Well, most of the people who don’t come to America, have never lived here before. It’s not that great, but it’s home.”

There are days I look at my life and think, “God, I cannot wait to get far away from this.”

Then there are others I look at and say, “Oh God, I’m really going to miss this.”

Then I think of the ten year ban.

The moving on its own is upsetting, but the ten year ban is soul destroying.

Essentially, I look at it like this:

  • If I make a movie within the next ten years, I will not be able to attend the premiere in America.
  • I would not be able to attend my 10 year high school reunion, nor would I have a choice in the matter.
  • I would not be able to document a band’s tour around the country. I could travel elsewhere with them, but not here; not until I’m too old to be doing so.
  • I will most likely never live in Wilmington.
  • I will have to wait ten years to film a movie in Wilmington.
  • If I die before I hit 29/30, I will have never been to New York City, never seen a baseball game in live action, never been to LA, etc.
  • I will not be able to accept my invitation to cover SXSW in Texas.
  • I will not see my best friend in the whole world until she is about fourteen, which kills me. I’ve known her for her entire life, and she is my favorite person. To not see that baby would kill me.

The list goes on.

This is pessimistic, I realize.

But I need to be honest here.

In truthfulness, I also think about all the things I will do:

  • I will be able to work.
  • I will have an ID.
  • I will be able to drive.
  • I will finally get to see other parts of the world.
  • I’ll be more independent.
  • I will get to wear boots every day, because I’ll be freezing my ass off.
  • I will probably eventually be able to move to Australia, which has been my dream forever, though the plan had been to do so when I was older and very wealthy.
  • I could get a dog.
  • I’d probably lose weight faster, because I’d walk basically everywhere.
  • I would have the option of whether or not I wanted to go to university.

Double-edged sword, I think.

My mind goes a million miles a minute every time I start thinking about it and it takes a lot to hear the part of my brain screaming, “WAIT! STOP! BREATHE!”

Story. Of. My. Life.

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